So here we are near the midway point of January 2016 and I have just now gotten off my lazy ass and put finger to keyboard to share with you my bright idea.
During a random moment of insanity I agreed to tip-toe away from my contented state of comatose and try something new. I signed up for 5 months of cooking classes with my favorite nutritionist and lovely friend, Maya Nahra of Healthy Habit Solutions. Yes. You heard me. Miss “I can’t tell if it’s a gas stove without hearing the sound effects first”, willingly enlisted for this activity. I now use the word “enlisted” because it makes me think of bootcamp, which makes me think of hell, which brings me to my first class next Monday.
If the syllabus is any indication of what’s to come, I’m fucked! According to said syllabi...syllabuses...syllabus(?) here are some course objectives:
1. “Flavor foods using spice and herb combinations such as Cajun, Mediterranean and Indian.” Now is probably a good time to let Maya know that both Cajun and Indian light my ass on fire and a plunger is a good option to have toilet-side.
2. “Demonstrate understanding of how to create basic home-made stocks.” I don’t even know what this means. Stocks? Is this a typo? Bonds?
3. “Practice creating recipes.” See below for my 2013 recipe, which, coincidentally, was also my last. It was left-overs for Pam for her birthday. I just so happened to have gummy sharks, strawberries and chocolate laying around the apartment and I thought it would be a nice compliment to the charred dumplings and left-over pizza.
And if that is not enough, I have come to find out that we have actual tests! Wait. WHAT!??? Quizzes, tests, AND a final exam!? And no grading curve!? How awesome to recognize that, at the age of 40, I have a legit chance to receive an actual F.
I’m not gonna lie to you. I thought this was a chance to meet some people, sit around a table, try some new, colorful veggies, learn how to turn on the stove, get comfortable handling a knife, and maybe frying up a few pieces of chicken. I was going to take the class, bake a slice of protein for Pam, show off my new culinary genius, and call it a day. Braising and roasting a fish so that I can taste test for doneness was not on my radar. If I were stretched any further outside my comfort zone, I’d break a Goddamn hip!
If anyone would care to join me, I believe Maya still has 3 openings left for Monday evening classes. If nothing else, it will be entertaining.
Good Lord, what have I done!?