It's day 5 of the cleanse and it may as well be day 25. It feels never-ending and I am thinking of changing the name to the "Lifeless Body, Demented Mind & Spiritless" cleanse. It's awful. What was I thinking?
Every fiber of my being wants to call it quits. The battle in my head is a fascinating conversation of darkness versus lightness.
"Just throw in the towel. Nobody will know."
"Tiffany, I will cut you if you drop out now. That's what you ALWAYS do. You surrender when the going gets tough. You owe it to yourself to keep your promises."
"Fuck your promises. Life is too short and you're not getting any younger. Eat the damn sugar, throw back some coffee and get back to life as you know it."
"Bitch, shut the fuck up! Life as you know it is over. You've destroyed your body long enough, you're always whining about being fat and feeling sick, and what's served you in the past no longer serves you now. Stay focused!"
"This time won't be any different. You're wasting your time."
"You're right. If I give up, this time won't be any different. Stay the course and make a lasting change. You'll thank me later."
I'm choosing to plow forward as ugly as it may be and trust me, it's "U-G-L-Y, I ain't got no alibi, UGLY."
A major part of what makes this process so horrid is the fact that, other than on day 1 when I realized I have a social media addiction, no other "a-ha's" have shown up. No break-throughs. No anything. Break-downs and tantrums? Yes, but that's about it.
For instance, part of the cleanse is doing Kundalini Yoga 3x a week. I've done 2 so far and I want to stab myself in the face. It's a grisly experience and the claim that it'll help me connect with a Higher Power is fucking bullshit! If anything, it's kept me disconnected. One session was sitting cross-legged, keeping my back in alignment, shoulder blades down, and waving my arms in and out for 11 minutes. ELEVEN MINUTES of sitting there flailing around like a bird with a clipped wing. When I was done I could barely turn my neck or lift my arms and I was more pissed off then when I started. Pam suggested my neck hurt because I was doing it wrong. "Ya fucking THINK!?" And if that dumb Yogi bitch tells me one more time to keep up, I swear to sweet Jesus that I am going to choke her out with her little habit towel thing that she has wrapped around her head.
The other session went a little something like this:
“Now, I want you to take a deep inhale through your nose, think about what it is that you’re willing to let go of right here and now, and then exhale slowly and with purpose, letting it all go.”
“This fucking pose. That’s something I am willing to let go of. What bullshit. Fucking breathe AND let go? Pick one, asshole!”
“Great job. Next we are going to move into Sarvangasana and we are just going to stretch those legs and point your toes upward towards the ceiling. Let's hold it here for 3 minutes."
“Damn, does my belly button really smell like that? I'll be passed out in 3 minutes.”
It's just dreadful. The powers-that-be call it a "spiritual practice." I call foul on the play.
All of it. Depressing and grisly. I shit green about 4 times a day, my farts are like that of a rabid animal, I have next to no energy to walk upstairs let alone workout, and even my dogs don't want to be around me.
Miserable, party of 1, your table is now ready. Ding.
Hey, hey, friends! For those of you who asked me to keep a little diary of my 30 day “Body, Mind & Soul” cleanse, here is the low down and it ain’t pretty!
The first day has come to an end and I feel like I should be rockin’ out to Destiny’s Child “Survivor”. The lyrics are going wild through my head and I pretty certain that this song needs to be on repeat for the next 29 days to keep me motivated:
I'm a survivor (what?)
I'm not gon' give up (what?)
I'm not gon' stop (what?)
I'm gon' work harder (what?)
I'm a survivor (what?)
I'm gonna make it (what?)
I will survive (what?)
Keep on survivin'(what?)
Day one, people. Day. Fucking. One. This shit is hard! I didn’t expect rainbows and unicorns but I was hoping when the time came to get started that I would have been gently shoved into the shallow end with floatation devices not punched in the throat and tossed into the icy deep with my arms tied behind my back. (Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a little. It wasn’t extremely terrible but it wasn’t without it’s challenges and this morning, I am feeling quite irritable and bitchy! Day two should be a fucking blast.)
It started when I woke up with a slight headache from Saturday night’s activities and the option for my favorite vanilla iced coffee with heavy whipping cream and cinnamon was replaced by warm lemon water. Not even Goddamn tea. Just warm water. With a lemon. Ugh. Long story short, it was the graduation potluck for Healthy Habit Solutions clients and cooking students and I may have sipped on a couple of vodka’s to take away the pain of not winning an award for my Chocolate Chip Oatmeal cookies. I slaved away and made them as healthy as I could, but I was beaten by Brussel Sprouts, Oxtail Stew and Cauliflower Pizza. I can’t lie though. Those dishes were amazing and Tracy, Cavene and Nancy deserved the win. Well done, ladies, well done.
But back to me.
Somehow, in the spaces between that “one” drink and the car ride home, I found myself elbow deep in a glazed donut and a Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake ice cream bar. I can’t tell you how pleased I am to know that my old school self still likes to hang out and sabotage all my hard work. Time to shut down that food whore! What better way than with a cleanse? Hooray.
Yesterday I ate about 10x the amount of veggies I am used to eating and probably more than any person should ever consume in a day. I followed it up with green juices between meals and, shockingly, I felt quite full. Not so shockingly, I also crapped green and burped up Kale all friggin day. Breakfast right now is a blend of Quinoa and Kale leftovers still stuck between my teeth.
I am missing my coffee, my dairy (despite my lactose issues), and some heavy doses of protein in the form of bacon! I am sure it will get easier but, until it does, I am just going to sit here and sip water from my special mason jar so that I at least feel cool.
The real difficult part, however, is going to be social media. I knew I enjoyed my time online perusing through everyone’s happy family photos, but what I am actually somewhat appalled to learn is how much of my time it has truly taken up. I think the younger me would be so disappointed that I traded in the outside world for an all day romp in the Facebook hay with people I really don’t even know that well to begin with.
My mornings are automatic. Coffee in one hand, iPad in another. So I was well and truly stumped yesterday when those were replaced by warm piss and a blank screen. Facebook and Instagram are the apps I go to first and it was as if I didn’t know what to do with myself when I realized that I couldn’t open them. After much internal debate over what to do next, I decided to throw in a load of laundry and watch an Elvis documentary. Spoiler alert: Elvis really is dead.
Being out and about running errands was helpful in taking my mind off of how I was going to successfully complete this cleanse but it came roaring back to the forefront of my mind when Pam left to go to the bathroom. We were waiting for a table at True Food Kitchen and, while I was sitting there, I figured I’d check Facebook. See where I am going with this? I am outside, on a beautiful scorching 100+ degree day in Arizona, surrounded by people, and here I am with my face buried in my phone pissed off because I cannot get my social media fix. There was a time when I could sit and people watch all day long. When did this all change? When did I stop becoming present? Never in a million years did I think I would ever substitute real conversation or an opportunity to laugh my ass off at dumb shit people do (aka, people watching), for an account of how amazing someone’s life is (on a daily fucking basis because ain’t life always grand at every given second?) or pictures of a perfectly formed egg. Yup, my younger self would have kicked. my. ass!
Total eye opener on the first day. I shudder to think what I will discover by like, let’s say, day ten. It’s going to be a wild ride!
I leave you with my lesson from day one: Be present. If someone is seated across from you, give them your full attention. Checking Facebook and all your other social media accounts while in their company is rude and a discount to the person you are with. I was a dick without even knowing it. You’re probably being a dick as well. Don’t be like Tiffany. Don’t be a dick.
By the way, if you are reading this and thinking that this is considered social media and I’m cheating, that would be incorrect. I am on Weebly and, because my accounts are connected, I can publish multiple places at one time. I just cannot go see the responses (if any) from Facebook. Bazinga!
Feel free to leave me a message here if you wish, otherwise, I’ll check in with you in the next 29 days (assuming I haven’t completely broken up with social media altogether by then.)
There have been a series of unfortunate (or fortunate, depending on my mood on any given day) events that have taken place since last September that have kept me in a bit of a rut and shifted my gear from forward to reverse.
Everything happened one right after the other right after the other that I don’t even recall in which order they occurred. All I know is that my back got all jacked up in a car accident and that my minor ankle sprain turned into a major high ankle sprain because my Ragnar Prince Charming was too busy sitting on his royal ass and compressing his legs rather than heeding my call for help. I had to “run” the final 5 miles before I collapsed in a heap. I’m getting over it. And him.
From there I was called back to NY to assist with cleaning out an office for an employee who is no longer with the firm and (just for shits and giggles and because the East Coast loves me) I was faced with decent sized issues that cropped up specifically to piss me off and create additional, unnecessary, stress. Its pretty safe to say that I did minimal workouts, ate the maximum amount of “feel good” food I could get my grubby, fat fingers on, and now, here I am in May starting from scratch.
It’s all good though. While I may have been regressing at the gym, my waistline and my attitude have showed tremendous growth. I’ve taken the time to read some self-help books that have been gathering dust (I’m a self-help junkie and book nerd at heart), I’ve been meditating and I’ve really been tuning into my spiritual side. How tuned in, you ask? I now have a Christian music section in my playlist. Never saw that shit coming! God and I are back in business, but believe me, I won’t be knocking on your door anytime soon. We have an agreement. I stay spiritual and tune in daily and I don’t have to go to church. We pinkie swore.
So here I am ready to challenge myself. I am 2 weeks into an 8 week course which is designed to help me deal with the bullshit that is holding me back. This week is a prep. week for a 30 day cleanse. I don’t know what the technical term is for said cleanse so I am calling it my 30 Day: “Body, Mind & Spirit” cleanse. I have chosen my start date as Sunday, May 22nd.
Why am I sharing this? Two reasons. First, so that you can help hold me accountable if ya’ll wouldn’t mind. I’m resisting some areas and I haven’t even started yet so I know it will take a village but, I’m worth it! Second, because, in some way shape of form, it will affect you. Conceited? Perhaps. Confident? Yup!
Here’s the skinny on some of the categories. Most are mandatory; some is of my own, crazy, “let’s see what you’re made of” choosing. For the next 30 days from this Sunday, here is what WILL be happening come hell or high water:
Food and Beverage:
What it means for me - 80% green (veggies) 20% meat OR starch, not both. I am taking this week by week, but I am starting out vegetarian. Meat is making me feel awful lately so it’s time to weed it out! (That would be my crazy idea); NO caffeine (this includes coffee and tea), NO sugar (farewell, honey), NO gluten, NO alcohol, NO happiness, NO smiles, NO life. BUT, I do get to add 2 green juices per day, a probiotic, multi-vitamins and Evening Primrose Oil. Yay. Small victories.
What it means for you - Go back and read the NO caffeine and sugar part. You’ve been warned.
What it means for me - Water, water, water, lemon water, more water, repeat.
What it means for you - Nothing unless we workout together or you coach me. If I am running towards the bathroom during a workout, carry on.
Breathing and movement:
What it means for me - Kundalini Yoga to work on conscious breathing and emotions (Google it) and “light” cardio exercise for a minimum of 3x/week but a preferred maximum of 6x/week.
What it means for you - Most likely nothing but don’t assume I am dragging ass on purpose in a workout if I am not going all out. I’m struggling with the “light” part because my entire life has been centered around “go, go, go.” For once I am giving myself permission to slow down (on purpose, not my normal out of shape pace) and give my body a little break without being a couch potato. You should also note that I fucking hate Yoga and I plan to hate it even more if it makes me emotional. So, if you ask me how I am doing and I slobber tears all over you, you can slap me, hug me, offer me a tissue, tell me to shut it down, whatever...do whatever feels natural for you.
What it means for me - NO Facebook, NO Instagram, NO Twitter, NO comparisons, NO "likes", "loves" or "ha-ha’s", NO clue what’s happening in every day life.
What it means for you - Prepare to miss my wit, charm, sarcasm, bitchiness, swearing, rants, etc… Texts and e-mails are welcomed. I’d say call me but do people even use the talk feature on their phones anymore?
There are more categories but they are quite simple and don’t affect me (or you) one way or another so what’s listed above is the meat and potatoes of it. Mmmm, potatoes!
Namaste away now. Peace!