If you’re a loyal reader and kept up with all 3 of my blog posts, you will notice the #FatSnatch theme. This was not meant to happen. It was supposed to only be for the #FatSnatchRunning blog post, but, as time went on and more and more photos were surfacing of myself doing anything athletic, I noticed a theme. I’m still FAT! All of a sudden it dawned on me that I’m on to something. #FatSnatch can do more than just run! She can eat, compete (hence this post), skip, sing, dance…. the ideas are endless. So, if the idea of #FatSnatchDoingAnything doesn’t appeal to you, you might want to stop right here. As of now, I’m going for it!
You should also note that, due to the numerous award winning photos circulating around Facebook of myself, I had to narrow them down to only a select few favorites which will be sprinkled throughout. I do NOT, in any way, shape or form, encourage this look. These are purely for entertainment purposes only.
This past weekend was the “Fire & Ice” Crossfit competition that was hosted by my peeps at Wildfire. It was the first time they have ever hosted an event so I figured this was the best time to enter into my first competition. What better way then on home turf! I had briefly considered participating as an individual but my nerves got the best of me, so, when team “Guns and Buns” asked me to join them, I decided that was a more comfortable fit. This was not the pity ask that “Can’t Catch That Snatch” offered. This was the real deal. I was actually wanted on a team (this after being kicked off another because I didn’t meet the height requirements. Don’t worry guys, I’ve clearly let it go) so I went for it and I’m glad I did!
We were the most disFUNctional, disoriented, discombobulated team out there and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. This blog post wouldn’t exist without it. The “Gun” side of our team consisted of Rambo and Jackie Chan, and the “Bun” side of our team was yours truly, #FatSnatch, and simply, Bossysocks. One would think that this grouping of people would be a hot mess and I’m here to tell you….you’re right! HOT. MESS! Super fun, very competitive, and quite strong, but HO.LY HELL the behind the scenes (and some in front of the scenes) was a shit show which started (and ended) with my team shirt! Hey, Jackie, thanks so much for ordering mine in a MEN’S triple XL! I know I just got my haircut but I’m not auditioning for Lea DeLaria’s role in Orange is the New Black! Fuckin’ WildaDyke called. She wants her mumu back!!
* Special thanks to Savannah from Team Morning Wood for helping me reclaim a few ounces of my femininity. I would have went home if not for your genius with the hair tie! By the way…keep it classy with that team name, girl.
It must be said immediately that Bossysocks had a huge vocal role in making our team work. The title of “Bossysocks” fits. She knows it, I know it, anyone who knows her knows it, and that is one reason, amongst many, why she is loved so much. Passionate personality and rockin’ socks! Without her laying down the law we probably would have been disqualified for stupidity right out of the gate!
Picture it. Wildfire Crossfit. Phoenix, Arizona. Saturday morning, May 9th, 2015. We were just given an athlete briefing by The Godfather himself (see previous blog post) with regards to the first heat, “The Burden Run”. It was clearly explained that, as a team, we had 8 minutes to get as many reps as possible of Hang Cleans, Shoulders to Overhead, and a 100 meter run all while carrying a sandbag. To break it down further, one male and one female must complete 10 Hang Cleans EACH, with a sandbag, and then, AS A TEAM, you run the 100 meters. Two people carry the sandbag and the other person carries a member of the team. The team cannot start running until BOTH the male and female complete their Hang Cleans. When everyone is done, then you run the 100 meters as a team. When you get to the other end, the same rules apply only this time the movement is Shoulders to Overhead.
Now, granted, there were times when the MC’s voice sounded like a tween girl at a boy band concert, but it wasn’t that hard to figure out. So, whose team do you think had a member ask “So…uh…how many reps do we do? It’s 10 total? I can run and just meet you there when I’m done?” Yeah, exactly! And get me a Slurpee at the Quick Trip while you’re at it! Seriously!?!? Here I am wearing a fucking potato sack standing in what feels like the depths of hell, sun blazing in my face, with a slight case of swamp ass, so all I needed was to be given one reason to lose my shit and bitch slap someone! Thank God for Bossysocks though. Before I could raise my hand, she looked at him and simply said “SHUT. UP!….LISTEN TO ME…” Ah, music to my ears. It wasn’t so much as my allowing her to take over as it was that she just took over! Go girl! Bless Chan though. He just smiled, nodded and allowed her to re-explain everything we were just told. When she was done he says “So…uh…it’s 10 total reps or 10 each?” I love it but what I love even more was that when the timer started and I got a good 5-6 reps deep, feeling strong and fast and thin, I was gently reminded by B-Socks that I can stop doing Power Cleans and start doing the suggested move of Hang Clean; perhaps it’ll make us go faster. Sorry, team. That one was on me! But my right arm looks amazing, so there's that.
The second heat was slightly better. It was a Front Squat Ladder/1 Rep Max where each of us had to complete two front squats at the heaviest weight possible. The women have a combined 6 minutes to reach this weight, and then the men take over for their 6 minutes. I had not cleaned more than 95#’s. My front squat was about 125#’s but that was always from the rack, therefore, with having to clean it up first, I figured 95#'s to be my max. Well, that was not the case. My team kept loading up the bar, and, with the support of all of them, and our judge (who was a doll!), I maxed out at 115!! I shocked myself!! The real thank you, again, must go to Bossy and her “LIFT THE BAR, NOW!!” scary voice, equally scary expressions, tactic. I think the bar lifted itself because we were both tired of the verbal lashing! Thanks, B! Anyway, all was going well, then….
There was that moment of absolute chaos where we lady “Buns” were TRYING to be helpful with loading and unloading weight for the guys. The music was blaring, people were cheering, and all I could hear was nothing but all-out, straight-up NOISE! I could swear that one of the “Guns” told me to take the 25# weight off and put on a 5# weight. I’m no mathematician but that didn’t seem right. Rather than spend time trying to understand why he wanted this, I just did what I was told while under the watchful eye of my other “Bun”. Well, wouldn’t you know, apparently I was only supposed to ADD 5#’s and not remove anything. I’m scrambling to get the weight back on and, when I do, I cannot find the barbell collar to clip on the end to keep the weights in place. I’m frantically searching all the while terrified of what would happen to me if Bossy “Buns” looks over and sees that I am not ready! I look up and see about 10 people, including my twin #SnatchSister, pointing in random directions at where they deem to be the collar I’m looking for. Yes, please, by all means, POINT. IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS! I wouldn’t want you to actually SAY anything. With 2 minutes left on the clock, a game of Charades is EXACTLY what I had in mind! Needless to say, Bossysocks found the collar, I was tossed aside, the lift was completed and I was shamed into just wishing I were home with a doughnut, BUT, not before I took my rage out on Rambo.
What you see here is 25% “GO RAMBO!!! UPPPPP!!! YOU GOT THIS!!!” and 75% “I HATE YOU! I HATE MY LIFE! I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE! I DID NOT LOSE THAT COLLAR!!! HE TOLD ME TO TAKE THE WEIGHT OFF!!!” (For the record, I love Rambo!)
The third and final heat (shockingly we did not advance to a final round) was probably the best from a team perspective. From my own individual perspective….not so much.
It was a traditional Crossfit Chipper and I believe it was referred to as the “100 Club Countdown”. As a team we needed to complete as many rounds as possible in 14 minutes, of 100 Singles (jump rope), 80 Kettle Bell Swings, 60 Push-ups, 40 Burpees, 20 Deadlifts, 10 Cleans, 5 Snatches and 5 Pull-ups. The order that you start in is the order you must stay in. Only one athlete can work at a time and each athlete must complete at least one rep before switching to the next athlete. Only one person on our team can do pull-ups so it was imperative to be on point and stick to the game plan. I am proud to say that we did just that. I saw some video footage and I have to say that we looked fast, strong and like we had our shit together! Long gone were the days of heat one! We left it all out on the floor with very little mishaps. As a team, I was Impressed with a capital “I”!
As an individual, there were times when I flip-flopped between feeling like a pig at the wrong trough and a whale out of water! I started out of the gate by getting myself hog-tied in the rope a few times but it could have been from nerves. Or it could have been from my count being slightly different than the judge's count since I couldn’t hear anything. Or it could have been because I clearly heard my teammates inspiring me to hurry the hell up. Or it could have been because I was flat out exhausted from the whopping 14 minutes of work I put in between the first two heats. Or….all of the above. I don’t think I’ll ever know the reason. I just know it wasn’t pretty.
I will say that my form with the kettle bell swings was spot on. The push-ups weren’t too bad either. My boobs took the brunt of those but, hey, the bigger they are the softer they land so no worries there. I even felt pretty good on the Burpees. That was a short-lived, pleasant surprise. Leave it to a Facebook photo to quickly snatch away any moment of joy that may have existed. I knew my tent was flying up because I could feel the cool breeze on my belly button. What I didn’t know was how bad it actually looked. There is a vision in my head and then there is reality. Take my word for it. The pictures are out there but I’ll be damned if I am going to help you find them.
Finally, we have the cleans. I typically feel pretty good with these, but again, since I have such amazing friends who feel the need to show me how awesome I am via photographic evidence, I was able to notice a few areas that could use some improvement. First, suck in my gut (also known in the athletic community as “engaging my core”) second, don’t choke myself, and third, breathe! Please refer to the visual below. I believe what’s happening here is that I am asking my judge, while holding my breath, “Now does this rep count? Can it? Please? Can’t. Go. Any. Higher.”
Alas, all good things must come to an end. I burned my shirt in the fire pit, and I’m laugh-crying at the photos splashed all over the web. Our team definitely made for some interesting water cooler chat but I am proud of us. With all of our very different quirky personality traits, strengths, weaknesses and listening abilities, we managed to pull together as a TEAM and had a blast doing so. Hands in, Team “Guns and Buns!”
I do have to be serious for a moment though. Wildfire totally nailed this competition! If I hadn’t already known this was their first time as a host, I wouldn’t have believed it. The energy and organization was off the charts! I mean take a look at this photo from before the day started. My OCD is in love!
Look at the turnout!!
I feel so blessed to have been able to take part as an athlete. To every single person who helped make this event a success, THANK YOU!! From the judges, to the organizers, to the girly MC, everyone…. GREAT JOB!
Wildfire epitomizes class, integrity, teamwork, community and family! That’s why I will forever stand by my claim that my box IS better than yours!